Top ten secret things about tomorrow

[This post is in response to a ChicagoNow assignment: in one hour, “Write about your tomorrow. Not figuratively, literally write about anything that you hope, fear, believe, expect — anything — that you may experience tomorrow.”]

1. I have more energy in the late evenings than in the mornings, so sometimes I sleep in my clothes because the morning is easier if I wake up dressed.  A bad migraine this week means I’m doing everything possible to make tomorrow morning easier.  If anyone asks me tonight, “Who are you wearing?,” I will be forced to mumble, “Old Navy.”  As always, I expect to be asked this question by thousands.  But also my Maria Bamford t-shirt imprinted with the welcome message, “Maria Bamford supports me in my journey.”  Which I do believe she does.  I feel better every time I wear it.

2.  I will watch the latest episode of “Wife Swap” because one of the people featured tonight is Verne Troyer.  “Wife Swap” originated in the U.K. and I first heard about it from my brother who is an ex-pat in London.  I was horrified by the concept.  What?  “Swap” wives for a week?  How depraved is television? I’m not watching that.  My brother didn’t watch it, either.  I shouldn’t say “either” because guess who’s watching it now?   Me. The episode a few seasons ago with Gilbert Gottfried was especially great.  He is quite the miser and he drove his new, temporary wife insane.

3. I will sing to my buddy Peaches.

4.  I will eat the same thing for breakfast which I’ve done since the Crustacean Era (was there a Crustacean era?  I was so crabby then).   A piece of bread microwaved from the freezer for 30 seconds, an egg scrambled in the microwave for 45 seconds (see “making morning easier” above), 12 almonds, 2 cookies and a protein shake.

5. I will celebrate the Hawks win which will be a prelude to the big win when they parade on Michigan Avenue and somehow hold onto that unwieldy Stanley Cup atop a moving open-air double decker bus without falling off and creating even more of a ruckus.

6.  I’m not sure if thousands will actually ask me “Who are you wearing,” but if they do, I will not be standing on a red carpet, but on our dirty white carpet dodging the spot currently marinating in “Nature’s Miracle Odor Remover.”  This will not dissuade me from # 3. If you’ve had a pet for any length of time, you’re used to handling whatever lands on your carpet.  I don’t even know why we have a carpet.

7. As every day, I will contemplate existential dread.  I just interviewed a comedian who handles it especially adeptly, so for once I will laugh and not shudder as I contemplate.

8. I will wander around the house committing environmental crimes: Keurig cups, profligate use of paper towels, running a half-full dishwasher and stirring hot drinks with plastic stirrers.  I know you won’t tell or judge.  Bigger secret which I’ve never confessed to anyone: every birthday I give myself permission to add an environmentally unsound habit.

9.  Think about what to make for dinner and thank God and Trader Joe’s that I can create the illusion of knowing how to cook.  Take one box from freezer. Open.  Add contents to oven.  Remember to turn on oven.

10.  Regret that I’m not better at keeping secrets.


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